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irondanwine

Lelaki

31 tahun

Kuala Lumpur

Hari-hari iron and wine dan irondanwine.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Carikan aku lubang hitam di dada galaksi untuk aku hilangkan diri tiap-tiap kali kau begini

Lelaki gusar / Lelaki dahaga / Lelaki tanpa perkataan / Lelaki bising / Lelaki mabuk galaksi / Lelaki derhaka / Lelaki percuma /

Lelaki persundalan / Lelaki hilang / Lelaki separuh lelaki / Lelaki telanjang / Lelaki kalah dan tak kembali / Lelaki hamba desire / Desire hamba lelaki / Lelaki palsu / Lelaki benar-benar Benar /

Aku adalah semua lelaki ini, cuma aku tak mahu jadi, lelaki yang kau mahu

Lelaki lelah / Lelaki lupa / Lelaki leka / Lelaki persoalan harga / Lelaki tanda tanya /

Mari ke mari, dekat lagi, kau dengar baik-baik, aku boleh jadi seribu lelaki setiap hari, cuma aku tak tahu bagaimana untuk jadi lelaki yang kau mahu.

Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar

Semusim di Neraka, Nerakaku, Perahu Mabok

Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Masih lagi mencari kebenaran berdarah tanpa aku perlu berdarah.

Isnin, Januari 12, 2009

Kenapa donat itu Syaitan dan kenapa aku kembali ke Neraka setelah tersesat di Syurga

Puppy (dulu Permaisuri Hati, kemudian aku hancurkan hati dia, sekarang The Only Good Friend I Have in the Whole World) kata: "Let me take you out, Puppy. I can't bear seeing you like this."

Oh. We call each other Puppy now. Sweet.

Dua tiga hari sebelum itu aku asyik mengadu aku sudah hilang arah, patah hati ("the pain is unbearable but I do not want it to stop. Blah blah blah."), tak boleh menulis, chi tak center, itu ini. I felt like I was The Loneliest Man on Earth.

Jadi Puppy bawa aku keluar. Jalan-jalan Kuala Lumpur. "Orang macam aku" perlu keluar masuk shopping malls, dia kata. "You need to be yourself again."

"But why shopping malls?" aku tanya.

"Because you need to realize what your wants and needs are. What you could have. What you need and what you--"

"Okay I get it," aku kata sambil jeling manusia-manusia lain yang keluar masuk tanpa henti. Dengan kata lain, cleavage.

Satu pusingan Pavilion, satu pusingan Lot 10, tak sampai suku pusingan Sungei Wang. "I'm hungry," aku kata, "can we just go eat?"

Duduk food court, aku makan nasi. Tak sampai lima minit, pinggan licin. Puppy datang ke meja dengan senyuman dan sekeping donat.

"I bought you dessert," dia kata.

"You memang dengki," aku kata, "mentang-mentang I'm single now. You wanna make me fat, eh?"

I ate the donut anyhow.

***

Malam tadi aku cuba menulis lagi. No luck. "I can't fucking write anymore," aku teks Puppy.

Dia terus telefon. Biasalah. Pakai bil.

"You're a simple man," dia kata, "just be simple. Be yourself. Avoid complications. You don't need that in your life. You'll write again when you're back being simple."

"Err," aku kata, "what do you mean?"

Dia tarik nafas panjang.

"Look," dia mula, "macam tadi I tengok you makan. You makan nasi, you ambik lauk ikan, you ambik sayur, you ate with all your heart. You looked so content."

"Ye lah, I was hungry."

"Then bila I bagi donat you terus melantak jugak."

"Habis tu?"

"And you bebel kata I saja nak buat you gemuk."

"That was theoretical."

"No matter," dia jawab, "that donut was just a test. I nak tengok you makan ke tak."

"Err.."

"See. You always want things you don't need. And you blame other people when everything goes wrong. Worst of all, you blame yourself."

"Err.."

"People love you because you're simple," dia sambung, "just be simple. And I'm sure you'll write brilliantly again."

There you go. I'm fucking alive and I'm back. Here. Puking my heart out.

Dan oh. Donat itu Syaitan. Jangan terpedaya.